Dear Mom

 Monday, July 20, 2009

Dear Mom,

I wanted to write this to you so you could remind yourself exactly what I said and why I said it. I regret to tell you this will be the last time you see me. I have grown up to be a good father, husband and son. I’m sorry you haven’t had the experience of enjoying our families company. I have a responsibility to our children to protect them. The best way I know how is to distance myself. 

The decisions you have in your life have had a dramatic effect on my personality. I find myself being very cold & insensitive to the people around me. This is how I deal with people now because I feel like the closest person and most important person has betrayed me. You were the closest to my heart besides God and you hurt it so bad this is the only way I know how to deal with my problems. I don’t know how long you can be sad, I don’t know how shame doesn’t affect you. You have lost everything in your life and survived, make something of your opportunity the lord has given you. I have to cut our relationship off because the little amount of love I have for you is mine. 

I refuse to give you the opportunity to take that last little bit away from me. Your grandsons will always know the vague memories I hold on too from my childhood. I will sent ou pictures of them every year with a letter from them when they can write. You do not have my permission to hurt my anymore. I know life was hard for you. I’m sorry, your decisions made life hard for a lot of people. Your decisions of carelessness and chaos end with me. I hold no resentment to you and do love you. 

p.s. 

This was after a suicide attempt that she failed. One of many attempts since I was 16. I'm now 32....I still talk to her and she never received this