Empty Chairs

12 steps away from eternal sobriety

An unimaginable life becoming reality

Powerless to addiction behaving radically

11 steps away chasing my sanity 

Seven other attempts of failed recovery 

A couple of them in state run facilities 

10 steps away from hoping this ends differently 

Fingers crossed this doesn't end in catastrophe

Faith in my higher power to fight this enemy 

9 steps away now working on my inventory

Regretful this is something I didn't foresee 

Finding solace in an emerging strategy

8 steps away struggling as a sponsee

Time to realize my levels of immaturity

Relief hiding in confessions of past calamity

7 steps away starting to feel the monotony 

Grasping to understand the anonymous community 

Strength in numbers works for this fraternity 

6 steps away asking my shortcomings to leave humbly

My faith is wavering internally

Thoughts of failure screaming at me to flee

5 steps away amends has me shaking mentally

Hopelessness whispers I'll be lonely 

And old foe is here Hello co-dependency

4 steps away unless it hurts them or me

I'm starting to lose this sense of unity

Amends to others feels like paying emotional alimony

3 steps away from this path of honesty

The secrets I keep making me trustworthy

Phenominal cravings lying with fallacies

2 steps away from balance and harmony

Now I'm hearing questions from an EMT

Lights of sirens in the last thing I see

Suddenly it's black, Fuck I Od'd

This time it ended in my fatality 

Remember my empty chair in Recovery. 

Run and see

 Love the light 

It makes us bright

We can’t hold on too long or as long as we want

The darkness holds us so tight like a wet knot

Then comes the light

It has a subtle might

It breaks things 

It comes with wings

It sings

Like a stranger on a street corner

The ultimate mourner 

Just when you thought it was bad 

When you were the most sad

Missing your dad

Only if he could see the grandson what a lad 

Sorry dad if I made you mad 

Why do you treat me like a fad

Son...

I was lost way before you were born

Mental health has left me scorn

I’m not near you because I’m dangerous in actions

I have to limit my satisfactions 

That’s been a problem since day one

Forgive me for being hung on that rung 

If you seen me 24/7

I’d feel stuck at the age of eleven

You’d take my horrible traits and not be driven

I would be left unforgivin

I’m protecting you from me 

So you can be normal and not have to flee

Johnny run away is a real thing

And when you meet that woman run and sing

Not all flowers are pretty

Little pieces of the women I’ve loved in the last sad songs of kind voices

Sad to say there’s been limited rejoices

I have to find those narrow places

Those big giants smiles that cover your faces

I keep looking for the in between 

I don’t even know what that means 

I have found love....in a smile 

I have found it runs as long as the Nile

I have found the frown of denial

I approached with grace and style 

I find.... nothing true

I find your trust the deepest of blues

You’ve taught me so many lessons

In the summer of Covid I’m showered with blessings 

On your phones playing games always got me guessing

I told you on our last night you’re spiralling out of control

You have no idea how nasty that spiral can roll

You’re clueless to the wicked tongue and it’s scream; loved you. 

We were so close to being that crazy dream; you knew.

I’m not upset it didn’t work out

I’m upset you can’t find the right route

Best of luck to the woman who couldn’t see two inches past her nose

By far the ugliest rose

-To  B.J. 

Mr. Trump

This one is for the “man” called Donald Trump

Republicans want to treat him like he is Forrest Gump

Sorry Mr. White Privilege but you do not get my vote

Your Rhetoric is as senseless as me the summer calling for an old coat

Sitting there spewing words of anger and hate

You are despicable just like a man who led a nation of Aryans who thought they where great

You vomit words that mean nothing except if you’re pocket book is more than six figures

99% of us don’t won’t ever see your 100,000 dollar strippers

If you become president than I know our country has lost its way

No other explanation could describe why we elected someone who hasn’t ever been a politician for a day

I can’t blame you for people telling you that you have a chance

You tapped in to the bottom 1% to get you to do your silly dance

I think you are a cock sucking bastard who’s made his money on the backs of the less fortunate

Which makes you Christopher Columbus dressed in St. Laurent

I love your $5,000 suits, can I have one to pay my child support as I sit her applying for jobs

Hahaha, yea right you look at me like I’m a fucking slob

Just because my last name is Esparza on paper I’m as Mexican as can be

As you run for the white house I’ll struggle with my card labeled EBT

Respect?

This one goes out to those punk ass cowards called cops who shoot first and ask questions later

That’s a gang mentality if I ever seen one, YOU MOTHA FUCKIN HATER,

You think we are menaces because we aren’t qualified for a badge and an ego

That shoots to the stratosphere like your bullets through our dark skin and afro

You can stick your white privilege up your ass with you 15 round clip

I didn’t make it out the hood only to see you murder a woman giving you lip

You make me sick; always have since you harassed me and my friends when we were young

Back then you were qualified to let us go and not end it with a gun

You hide behind the law and answer for none of you actions

Now you leave a generation looking at you with nothing but pure dissatisfaction

When I’m in trouble I call 911 and report a fire

Those guys have hoses a big difference from your shooting desire

You want us to trust you but we aren’t the ones shooting unarmed teenagers

For a swisher or a punch to face, take it like a man with a bullet proof vest not a man post traumatic stress disorders

You want us to listen to you when you scream in our face

How about I scream in your ladies face with a can of mace?

Let’s see how far that interaction goes and how well it will be received

I doubt there’s a hug in there, naw you have a hollow hot one already in my knees

You want us to respect you but you have no respect for yourself

If you did we wouldn’t be in a silent war with the educated Blackmans bookshelf

Just because he’s smarter than you doesn’t mean you get to put a hole in his head

His heart’s desire is to be educated and take his family away from your plan to shoot him dead

To protect his mamma and his siblings who don’t know how reckless you are with a loaded clip

Driving around with an ignorant power trip

I could talk about you till my last breath

But I would rather attend a funeral for a young man who you shot to death

Master Plan

Trapped in the rat race we forget what important while working towards what impotent

The hustle and bustle of big business and corporate America has us drowning in what important

For my entire life I thought it was Love but it has left me abandoned alone with nothing

Broken hears lead to broken bank accounts which lead to a broken America suffocating

When you have lost everything you realize how minuscule you are to the top 1%

They fill your cube with another soul trying not to miss that next paycheck

My voice will probably never be heard

Due to the fact that you can’t get a tax break on the verbs

Who knew my bright side was hidden in darkness

I did – I just never accepted the man I knew I always was in this spiritual abyss

My narcissism has me living a life where you are all my servants

A grandeur lifestyle in the bottom 99% of the shit smelling check to check peasants

This maniacal mentality a product of alcohol abuse and malnourishment

Ramen for breakfast, lunch & dinner like the king of abandonment

I could take my life today and the top 1% would replace me like a battery

No Sir you don’t get that satisfaction I’m here to make sure you pay for you greed filled Mad Hattery

I’d tell you my master plan but you would only have me killed

Most likely by a bottle with my name on it without any more refills

Goodbye Old Friend

When I tell my story people are surprised or don’t believe me because I’m still here

What if I wasn’t meant to be crazy and bring nothing but fear

Many people love me but it doesn’t help me get my kids back

It doesn’t get me a home or a place to be me relaxed and stacked

I’m in depths of madness and it feels so good to be free

Deep down I think my purpose is to cause chaos stand back and laugh with glee

I’ve been in pain for so long trying to be good and righteous

I’ve succumbed to the madness and I feel nothing but happiness

I found my home in this black hole of no fear

Shed the burden of all of it to finally hear

The screaming madness of my nightmares in sitting on my lap

My pet finally at peace with me in my darkness loyal to my mind snap

All this time I’ve been running from what scared me most

I stopped running and now I’m staring at my old life like a lost ghost

Goodbye Johnny Red his memory shall be remembered

Welcome Rev DW he’s the one in charge now that my past is dismembered

Some Moments

The Moments that change our lives ,
Sometimes come out of no were they're truly a surprise

From that first kiss standing over the phoenix skyline on a hot summer night,
When out lips touched it lite up the night sky with a furious might.

We were driving through out lives on our daily routines when love T-boned us with such magnificent force,
Jarring out beliefs into a cyclone of force enriching our lives with love that I will gladly stand up to without remorse

You bring light to my darkest days,
Your smell and senuality making it impossible to fall astray

I see you and the world dissapears,
Taking with it all my fears

Our once broken homes have so much potential to now be something new,
My once broken heart can now only see you 

The moments we share both outside and in the throw of our most intimate desires,
Caputres our love in an infinate cage of madening Greek fire

The thought of your smile brings me to my knees,
The begining of your love gets me as hot as a thousand degrees

Your touch shoots positive energy coarsing through my veins well into my heart,
When you stop I sit around yearning for you to start

You...you are my princess in this land of shattered dreams,
Me...Me I'm your prince holding you like your tightest jeans

With so much bad in the world the universe would not let me let you go,
I didn't know why but I had faith and hope in your smile hitting me with a turbulent flow

I cannot explain how important you are to me in this whirlwind life of mine,
I can show you every moment I get that with you by my side how bright we can shine

You trusted me with your endless love and superfilious majesty,
I trust you with my damaged soul and mending heart with unbridled sensuality 

I had to learn to unlove myself after the time I abandoned my old life,
In order to know how much you deserve to be loved with the new door opening with what he have thats right

When I see your faults I see opportunites to be their and hold you close to my heart,
Opportunites to show you that abandonment and lonliness were just concepts of a broken start

I will hold you as close to me as you will allow,
Even then I just might squeeze you tighter so you know I'm yours and will never dissavow 

When you stare at me with those amazing eyes,
It stops all the sorrow in my heart and thougth of suicide