Shame

Shame is vial creature
It lurks over me like an emotionless teacher

Lessons in life spinning out of control
Falling from the stratosphere in chaos into a black hole

Laughing uncontrollably
While fear and tension strangle every muscle like a monkeys grip on a tree

Anxiety strangles your every breath
Failure becoming a commonality on the way to your early death

Grave consequences seem to be the only answer I have every day I wake up
Ending it all with a swift pull of the trigger adds to the fear of my that runnith over my cup 

Screams of agony and torture echo in the hours of each new beginning
Knowing my day is filled with decisions of degradation and hazing

When I jumped into the abyss outside of the family I had
I had no idea the net would be so painful and sad

The sins of my mother and father soon chased me down 
Drowning my opportunities in a sinking hole of booze that I found 

Now that I've stopped my actions of self destruction and recklessness
I haven't seen such destruction that I've had to deal with

The first thought of each day jumps into my mind like a screaming rocket into space
Its how am I going to make it back to my happy place?

Tortured Soul

Tortured souls see each others scared life like a scarlet letter
Wishes turned to prayers a long time ago don't let them forget it doesn't get better

Stitches rip away exposing our shame and discontent
The smell of gang green swirls through each nostril of life’s malnourishment 

Littered with decisions of recklessness and pain
Life’s own toilet bowl filled to the brim with choices driven us arcane

People of ignorance stare at our choices like a caged animal 
We stare back empty, alone, and wrists bound by our decisions madrigal 

This life is shared by many and understood by very few
This life is undoubtedly hard to start a new

Fishing Reel

My life has been like a reel unraveling 
Knots inside of loops inside of chaos unimaginably baffling

An entire spool of thoughts and decisions from the past year mangled
I'm that old fishing pole discarded in the garage left to lie in my tangles

Only to be stopped by this tiny knot holding on to what I once was by a thread
Her name is Patricia holding on to my soul knuckles turning blood red

Its unfair to her that she carry this burden of misfortune 
I want her to let go and burry this slanted contortion

She welcomes my misery only because it’s shrouded in passion and intensity
That charade of ideology is bound to unravel like the reel being dragged down by gravity

To my own personal hell right here on earth
Going back from today all the way to my birth

I hope she isn't scared by the downside of my recklessness
I hope she Reels me in and out of my emotional darkness

Remember/When

When the sox never stop falling through your hands
When you walk by your bed and it seems like a foreign land, 

When homework is the longest half hour of your day
When the lunch box has to be washed and you just want to throw it away,

When they crawl up your ass only to be the final straw to break your patience
When they scream your name on there scraped knee awaiting your kisses of maintenance,

Remember how he smelt when he fell asleep on your chest
Remember how you felt when you job isn't to easy to catch your breath,

Remember his voice when he tells you about his day
Remember his smile when he looks at you in that special way,

When he is towering over your mighty stature in his adulthood
Those blue eyes a window in the heart you raised into someone that’s exceptionally good,

Now look back at those socks that fell through your hand,
And know you had so much to do with making this most amazing man

Light

Small windows close one after another
Shutters follow soon after to protecting our emotional clutter

The dark rooms are a reminder of times when we had no one
Stumbling around shut off blocking out the sun

Our own personal pity party with a reservation of our lonely thoughts
Everyone is guilty of being responsible for pulling you into knots

Just remember when you decide to let the light back in
It will be just as warm and bright as when your party begin

The light of your life will not ever dull or forget what a beautiful person you are
It will not shine or highlight those painful scars

It will bring you comfort and embrace you in all your awesomeness
Because no matter what happens that light is your blanket of happiness

I am that light in your wonderful amazing life
Just like you are the light in my darkest night

You are the light that makes me want to fight
You are the so bright that shadows run from fright

You are my love, my forgiveness, my tomorrow and forever
You are my endless thought of growing old together.

Poisoned Love

What kind of love do I possess
It seems to poison my rightiousness

The Falacy of love is teaching me a lesson
To be guarded and alone fighting the demons of depression

I can see why the lies of love can be so intoxicating
The passion of companionship expands the breath of lies into empty anticipating

Selfishness has no boundries in the palacade of affection
Dead sunflowers rise from its poisoned soil brittle without a reflection

My love roots itselt in the exposed wasteland of my cold soul
The roadmap to our future demolished with cracks and pot holes 

Your broken promises are litter to the road of contradiction 
Exhausting my heart to fill the void of your indecision

My love dies inside of me in an icy grave filled with strangled cannibals
Laying there in my wasteland I see the dancing shadows of my demononic animals

I close my eyes and wait patiently for them to consume my spirit
Bravely knowing I contributed to this broken love song lyric by lyric

Face

I can't seem to wipe the pain off of my face
Its constant and driving me to fly away from this place

The bad decisions I make follow me around in the shadows of my life
Staring at me with crushing judgement begging me to grab that knife

I'm constantly dropping mistakes due to my pride and egocentricity
I"m tired of my mistakes making me the person I hate to see

My anthem of Carry on was the only thing keeping my feet on the ground
That record is breaking into the pile of my sorrowless sound

This world is running out of room due to my mistake
The devil inside of me is working overtime to take me from this place

My obtuse persepecive makes me hate myself for not being what others want
Its a product of my tortured life to be outside looking in at what others taunt

I can't seem to wipe this pain off my face
Maybe its time to end this painfull race

My Lil Bean

I'm sorry isn't enough to relay how much I hate myself for that conversation 
I'll hold on to the thought that you are better without me and my frustration

Our conversations of our future were hollow 
Not becuase of you but because of my sorrow

I'm not built to grow old in my pool of mistakes and regret
I wish so, so bad I could just forget

I broke down and as a result broke us into a million pieces
Only to realize you were right and I'm not much more than a pile of feces

I put your memories on the pile of my mistakes and lost happiness
Some times when I let the pain out its hard to stop it from creating a bundle of craziness

You are and always will be my light
I regret every world in our last fight

When sorry is not enough to escape the horrible man that I am
I hope you see that I'm not the example of my decision to go H.A.M.

When I"m gone I hope your memory of me can remember the pure love I gave to you 
I'm sorry my lil bean that I wasn't the man you wanted to grow old with and prove it too you

Hidden Smiles

I feel you inside my soul
Withering, slowly falling out of a tiny hole

A hole I punctured with words of anger and mistakes
I'm tired of tasting my tears of destruction and regretful waves of breaks

My world has been upside down for some time now
It’s become normal this plastic smile has always been a scowl

Comfort in misery and chaos seems to be my forte
Pathetic in happiness and glee make me that much more in dismay

I'm exhausted of being my own worst enemy in every way I can
A constant heartbreak to all those who love me regardless of them being a fan

My eyes keep leaking the sorrow in my soul
The tart taste of my pain unraveling my self control 

Gagging on my loathing self sense of guilt
I don't have a tomorrow to change what I've unbuilt

Remember Me

I have no idea how I fell from grace
Its like the Devil has been sitting right on my face

So much going for me moving forward into old age
Two kids a wife living life on our happy stage

Everything has changed at the distaste of my actions
My reflection is a constant reminder of my unsatisfaction

Who is this man that stands before my eye?
I have no idea considering how much I want to die

When I do take that final step into purgatory
I know my apologies will not be enough to make right what is obligatory

I've lost everything a couple times over in this shitty life story
I've grown tired of being the worst part of my family’s endless disappointment of glory

I’ve gone 15 rounds with the sins of my father 
Only to be defeated by my own Marauder

I woke up this AM knowing it would be my last sunrise
I'm coming to terms with knowing death will take my last sigh

I want to apologize to all those who truly love me for who I am 
I wish I felt the same way about my journey through this scam

This world is not a place for a failure of my magnificent stature
I gave up to a selfish - cowardly way that I could manufacture

Good bye, farewell, remember the times I made you laugh
Mandy kiss our boys everyday on my behalf

Intoxicating

When my eyes make it past yours I can't seem to stop staring at your amazing lips
Syllables dance off them like ballerinas twirling in the shadows of a mighty eclipse

Music to my soul when you say my name in our moments of passion or distain, 
Your eyes peer into my heart and take away my agonizing pain

Your touch brings relief to every aching muscle from head to toe, 
All it takes is your hand on mine to see the beauty much like a Van Gogh

Your smell intoxicates me to blackout stages of your love song, 
I hope you can see my heart in every breath I exhale no matter if its right or wrong.

Our conversations about our future were like the last two fingers holding on in the abyss of consequence,
They slipped and I've been tumbling ever since

I now my silver tongue sliced through our relationship with the force of mother nature,
I've always taken pride in not being a destroyer but an fluent creator

Accept my apology and know the only vowels left in my heart are made for you and me to never be apart
As I listen to your voicemails and the our song every day I beg to god for a fresh start

Every box in the calendar of life I hope is filled with your maddening love I pray each night
I don't have allot but what I do is yours without condition thank you again for being my brightest light

Introvert

Small windows close one after another
Shutters follow soon after to protecting our emotional clutter

The dark rooms are a reminder of times when we had no one
Stumbling around shut off blocking out the sun

Our own personal pity party with a reservation of our lonely thoughts
Everyone is guilty of being responsible for pulling you into knots

Just remember when you decide to let the light back in
It will be just as warm and bright as when your party begin

The light of your life will not ever dull or forget what a beautiful person you are
It will not shine or highlight those painfull scars

It will bring you comfort and embrace you in all your awesomeness
Becuase no matter what happens that light is your blanket of happiness

I am that light in your wonderful amazing life
Just like you are the light in my darkest night

You are the light that makes me want to fight
You are the so bright that shadows run from fright

You are my love, my forgiveness, my tomorrow and forever
You are my endless thought of growing old together.

A Promise

You

I can't stop remembering your face,

4 12 years you put every woman to disgrace.

Now you are not mine anymore,

The existance of this thought makes me feel like the floor.

Constantly being stepped on taken for granted, 

My view is forever slanted.

You gave me more than I could ever have imagine,

The next woman is at such a disadvantage.

The shadow you cast streams across the universe,

Now the stars are a reminder of your loveable curse.

THANK YOU SO MUCH 4 THE LIFE YOU SHARED,

In the end it hurt more than what I prepared.

I fell in love with time and time again,

That's what I miss most in the end.

Across the room or at a family event,

The sparkle in your eyes and the love your smile sent.

Forever instilled hope in this hopeless romantic.

Now I touch this paper to remember you,

Ink smeared on my fingertips, alone, shaken, and askew, damnit woman I miss you

My shadow disappeared

My life is dark

Shadows cover my indiscretions 

Sunlight brightens my resurrection

My life is dark 

Devious intentions 

Becoming realistic temptations 

My life is dark

Then I see a spark

That's my mark

Run or walk, damn it's still dark

My breath is suffocating 

My skin is confiscating

The light 

It's so bright,

Good night, tomorrow will be better 

Than this escapade into your souls endeavor 

The Letter

I have this letter I read everyday,

I wrote it to remind myself why I left  you that broken in a way.

 

I had a feeling I would doubt my plan,

When I do I read the letter about the broken road we destroyed w/our last stand

 

This letter I hold dear to me now,

I hope one day to let it go as condolences to our vow.

 

The letter keeps me close to you without letting you near

A widening gap evident when I witness your sneer.

 

The letter saves me from being drunk on your smell when we meet,

Its a constant reminder of our defeat.

 

It saves me now but I fear one day that will turn,

And I will regret all I did when I feel the scar from the burn.

 

Coldness shivers up and down my skin waiting for your last stand in misunderstood rage,

I don't blame you probably deserve it causing most of your furious days.

 

Its hard for me to unfold all the good and bad to resent you for what we lost

The letter shows me focus as the cold snow starts to defrost.

 

Exposing us to new people, things, and a way of life.

Paying the ultimate price.

 

The day is half gone and I read the letter again,

A simple reminder to what we once had, never will have again, and hold close to my heart while it mends

 

John P. Esparza Sr.

Liberation

There is no liberation in the land of broken hearts and wounded souls,
Love and war two in the same casualties line up in rows.

I lost myself in us and will never be the same,
Its to soon to tell if I will come out on top or up lame.

Silhouettes of our life peek out and stare at me from behind my decisions,
Glaring at me with judgment slowly killing my inhibitions.

I remember your words and how deep they cut my spirit,
I wish so much that I could just unhear it.

The coldness rolling off your tongue,
No wonder I turned to run.

Not a night goes by that I close my eyes and see you staring at me.
Deep brown eyes stream glares of disappointment and glee.

12 years of laughter, cries, and life at our door,
I wish we could have just one more.

My pride has been a victim to love,
My heart is shattered by years of misunderstood attempts here and above.

The tale of love has been told for thousands of years,
Since I told you our separate ways was the only option you didn't fight revealing my
worst fears.

Today ends the year of our demise,
2014 looks so promising without your cries, pointless tries, and our half hearted lies.

Marauder!

Real Gangsta’s don't break laws they have drinks with lawmakers not street corner jawbreakers Real Gangsta’s wear ties, tell lies, and sell stocks from the corner high-rise, rock $5000 suits paid for by our roots, they hide in plain site, and never been in a street fight, they don't run from the law they run for office, get lost in the financial abyss of lobbyist Real Gangsta’s you can't find at liquor stores, selling $20 sacks they are with $20,000 whores slanging Goldman Sachs addicted to take-take-take, from the little bit we work on to make-make-make Real Gangsta’s don't ride in escalades, they up above in G5 escapades Real Gangsta’s power comes from rock the vote not from the white girl getting off that boat that the CIA that’s the Criminals in Action bring along the keys to make believe G’s. Real Gangsta’s shoot people in the face on accident then ride over and sit next to the President while a boy’s hooded sweater changes his mother’s life forever Real Gangsta’s aren’t littering the hood up to no good, unless the demographic effects there livelihood Real Gangsta’s don't wear saggin pants, spit hip hop rants don't walk in the shadows of street lights in the midst of night Real Gangsta’s put there names on buildings, have vaulted ceilings, and hide behind words like capitalism and free enterprise in their Penthouse sky rise Hey Gangsta is it free if it comes at my generation’s demise?

My View

I sit alone on my time to myself and see words pass through my word

I sit and see people who don’t see opportunities sit spoiled and curled

Hitting trees and bushes around me like the wind everyone dismisses

Absent to the fact of moments we have and miss

This curse I endure has its limits in my mind

I see the world in a moments glorious rhyme

People texting, running for the bus, in a hustle for that moments rush

Everyone around me holding their breath for life’s ambush

Vowels, nouns, and those synonyms hurling at me with only a moment to record

Lifes precious moments in my lifes only accord

My memory is not what it used to be

These moments enter and instantly begin to flee

My days are graced with instances of happenstance

Only to forget in a whimsical metaphorical dance

I’m cursed everyday with a different view

Of life and its mystical dew

Cold enough for only a moment to catch a glance

We destroy these instances in a dramatic momentary stance

And I go to sleep each day missing these moments in life

That seem to keep falling astray with every thought of my life without strife

Exception to the rule

You are the exception to the rule

The only moments that can make a grown man drool

The moment in time when fantasy meets reality

A pivotal moment that clashes consequence with humanity

I try and drink away the small moments we had

Only to pass out and see you in my mind’s eye so sad

I awake and feel so much about my dream

Emotions linger throughout my day slowly losing steam

But I know I still love whatever you gave me

Too bad for me you had to run and flee

I love something you honored me in sharing

Our short time together was so ominous and daring

Maybe that erroneous danger and lingering infliction

Sickened my hours with empty addiction

Here I am 10 months later

Not a word spoken between us of love or anger

Thinking of you and what we had

Sitting in sorrow oh so sad.

You are the true exception to my truth

 I sit here now alone strange, wondering aloof. 

Just-IN

Our lives are filled with Just-IN'S
Things we take for granted at a moments whim

Millions of moments pass us by
He didn't miss one even if it was just to say HI!

To bad he was Just-IN
To bad for us we missed the last eleven

Today I found faith in his spirit
His voice in my head like a song lyric

15 years he was Just-IN
15 years he was so strong within

I only hope the day I'm gone
My spirit will speak like this boys song

Just like the 15 year old boy I loves so dearly
All these years later he heard and healed me

So everyday you have open your heart and let the sunshine in
You might not get another chance to be JUSTIN.

I love you nephew.

L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E
Why do you repudiate me
Bleeding out of a broken heart
Not knowing whether to stop or start

L-O-V-E
Where feelings are not feelings but emotions searching for life
Empty words filled without reaction
Leaving like you had no satisfaction 

Click to play all audio posts

Sweet Sound

You will always remind me of a violin
So beautiful and sad from the outside in

The bow ever so gently sliding across the strings of my soul
Broadcasting your moans of sorrow taking their toll

Sweet nectar in my ear touching more than I can explain
So very sad how your beautiful sound hides so much pain

Silence

Footsteps thunder through the perpetual hours of time

Burning like the words flying out rhyme after rhyme

Hours turn to days that crash upon you one after one

I hate this feeling, the one that tells you to run

So I deplete it, defeat it, turning it to a dying sun

It quiet..........I'm not entirely done

Flashes of light ignite, the beginning of a spark

Things were dark, my game hit its mark

Things are happening now, the remnants of the past are fading

Now the junction of liberation have begin stimulating

Those needs, compulsive greed's

Like seeds they grow into superfluous deeds

That shape our life into Van Gogh's dreams

Shooting into space like moon beams, silent screams

So Many Lies

So many Lies,
And still I RISE,

Empty words from your filthy mouth filled my ears
Leading me to believe in the upcoming years
Your agony touching my soul,
Your blasphemy leaving it with a hole

So many Lies,
And still I RISE,

Now I'm not in the picture
Thank god because I don't need your dramatic scriptures

I was told he took something away from you that night
Loving you no wonder I wanted to fight

So many Lies,
And still I RISE,

But an order of protection?
Little girl please I fought to hard for my resurrection

To lose it all on someone who thinks they deserve dirt
I stand tall in all I do knowing the one I love won't ever hurt

So many Lies,
And still I RISE,

And with your final action in this Shakespearean disaster
You left the final bridge between us smoldering smoke builds, faster, and faster

This will be the last mention of you in my life
I'm so thankful you took care of that aberration, have fun fucking Barney Fife.

So many Lies,
And still I RISE,

And with all the destruction you have left in your wake
I hold nothing against you abandoning our mistake

You have to do what’s right for you at the end of the day
No matter whom you leave in dismay

So many Lies
And still I RISE

Lessoned learned on this collision of our lives
Leave my world so it can thrive

I'm tired of you suffocating me with half truths and innuendos
Mirage after mirage game over, you’re like a Nintendo

And I don't play games anymore....

So many Lies

And still I RISE

Day 4

The best one yet was washed away with a flurry of drama

I thought I had another regret but it wasn’t she could be my babies mama

Love is an action not a word

The only action you display is that of being perturbed.

I hope this works out for you and what you want

As long as you stop acting so distraught

See I’m a champion of the arena of love and consequence

I never went back on what I said in any of this series of events

I’m still the man I always promised to be

You’re the one who failed at what you told me you wanted to see

That’s why I’m the not the one who lost here

I’m true to myself and what I told you was dear

You never want to speak to me again

That’s sad because I was one of only a few you stood by you till the end

With out judgment or long term distress

Always accepted you’re for the worst and the best

I hold no anger or hurt feelings for the choice you made

I made that choice the night before when I see the bed you laid

Its time to pay the piper and live with your actions

I am, and you made me a better person leading me to a life a religions satisfaction

I hope you’re cordial in your decisions from now on

It would be a pity so see you fall into into childishness that would be wrong

Finally the road we have has yet to be made

Regardless of what you want my rights have me in your life for 17 years and 364 days

I will never speak of this month, December

That’s my promise until babygirl is on her own and I can’t remember

So in closing the best to you and your choice

I pray for you to not provoke your Childs life into wrath, but adorn in the lord and rejoice

Day 1!

Today starts the days of new beginnings

Last year was filled with bad endings

I begin today with a glimmer of hope

Shadowed by the transgressions of my actions leading me on a slippery slope

I am fighting on too many fronts

I surrender myself to you lord stopping my silly stunts

I will go quietly into the night

Knowing you're still God and things will be alright

I lost many things in 2010

Found even less as the fireworks brought this year to an end

I will find myself in this painful path I created

I can’t blame anyone for the distractions I’ve manipulated

I take ownership of my actions and obstacles

Now it’s time to forgive and find my way in the tabernacle

It’s time to repair, get ready to pay for my mistakes

It’s hard when I’m distracted by my heartache

I find comfort in my boys always there for a hug

I will find perseverance in their love in this hole I dug

I’m so grateful for the little I have in my wreck less decisions

Thank you lord for giving me a light to see your vision

One day you will see...

I despise this feeling of helplessness

Why did I let you into what I know as my bliss?

My life is ten thousand experiences you recently had

I need a strong woman to tell me that’s it’s not that bad

I thought I seen that strength in those beautiful brown eyes

I’m sad and hope this experience gives you reprise

I know in the back of your mind you think you will always have me

I’m sorry but my life has to continue without remorse or animosity

It pains my heart to know I had such an amazing woman in my grasps

It hurts so much more to know you chose a different path

My life is an example of what not to do

All I want is for my children to find new problems to work through

You have made that a reality for me

So thank you for making my life an endless challenge to see

That around the most innocent corner

There are life’s lessons waiting for our adorned her

She will be strong because she has an amazing dad

When I see my grandchildren I will know I made her glad

That I was a rock in her lifelong experiences

And that her father would never dismiss her precious appearance

No matter how mad you make me

You gave me someone that will always make me see

That in the darkest days

A child’s smile will always make it all go away

Why

Once again I’m sorry for not treating you like shit

I can only love the way I know my lil bit

Even if I knew you thrived on such hurful agony

I couldn’t bring myself to disrespect you especially if I gave you my bended knee

In my coldest night you revived me with sunlight

Little did I know the burn came with such a hurtful bite.

I fell for the ruse you sold me when things were ok

The shit hit the fan and you regret the time we took to say

I love you, is this love to you?

If so leave me alone you poisons’ spineless shrew

If not I’m here always not to judge but look ahead

I have a past too but now its dead

These problems you have right now pave my life

You don’t think I know what it takes to make it right

You better think twice about leaving me out of our kids life

Its not about you anymore or that crave that leaves strife

I believed what you told me to this day

And after what I said I can only guess the streamers came out for your pity party parade

Our poor precious child is coming into this world your created

All because of some morbid self hatred

You want to count marbles your entire life

As they drop knowing he only wants one thing of your marriage, that’s a sharp knife

And know he wants you because your sex appeal

Poor fucking ape couldn’t see you for what’s real

Just wait till the day you are showing my Childs life

See if he see the beauty in what we had, it was so right.

We’ll see then if the lives up to the man he said he would be

My money is on watching this poor coward flee.

DAD

The past three weeks

Have been so unique

I seen the storm clouds coming but was not prepared

For the fury of the life I can’t believe I dared

To stare it in the face like have done some many times before

It has taught me a lesson now that I’m washing upon its shore

Naked, alone, with no one to blame but myself staring at my own reflection

In the cold water seeing the countless rejection

Only a few people have had to deal with as much in there life as I have

With even less than that to build a successful life filled with such savv

I’m fortunate that my childhood prepared me for so much pain

I grew up to soon and now life a life of disdain

Those clouds are upon me now and I have no answer for their power

Every rain drop pelting me like the coldest shower

I grow weak and say things I don’t mean

I apologize and hear the defining sound of a silent scream

 Is that proof that I was right and you don’t deserve a piece of my humble pie

Who knows, things are so upside down I sit and thing where the people around me would be if I chose to 

take my life and die

I was in the 9^th grade when that day came upon me

And when I needed it god sent someone there who guided me to my knee

I’m almost 33 now and have two kids with one on the way

The only reality in my path to keep me from falling astray

I guess my calling was always to be father

In all my anguish none of my kids look at me like a bother

The best job I’ve ever had

Is knowing one day my sons will look at me and know they have a dad

Tonight......

Tonight turned my world upside down,

The things you said had me swirling round and round.

What you said drudged up emotions I didn’t know I had

In the end it made me really sad

That we are following the same path

It’s amazing we couldn’t put together the math

I guess we are closer than we thought

That we would fall victim to the same stupid distraught

I told you tonight about my hearts escapeds

Little did In know about your lost charanade

You are sleeping with twice the number I’ve have in our recent break up

Solidifing my belief in any would be make-up

You cut me tonight like no one  before you

Surrendering your secrets crying like it made a difference in what you knew

Thank you for making me feel justified in the actions of my life

I don’t know yet if its right

That’s not up to me

Its up to someone you never had the chance to meet

I have a feeling one day you will know my sacrifice

I hope its not stained with the decisions of my life

My nephew was threating his life tonight

Then you hit me with a reality I didn’t know if I could fight

Sorry if that’s the only way I know how to cope

I’m falling on one hell of a slippery slope

With only one thought on my mind

That when I land I hope its what I’ve always wanted to find

Finally Understood

YOU SAID ALLOT OF THINGS IN THE PAST THREE MONTHS

I HELD YOU TO YOUR WORD THROUGH ALL THE SPEED BUMPS

HOPING YOU SEEN IN ME WHAT YOU NEVER SEEN BEFORE

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAD IN STORE

I AM HURTING ALLOT TONIGHT IN THIS FRIGIDE AIR

MY PAIN WON’T LAST LONG, NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT YOU REALIZE IN THE HAND YOU DEALT UNFAIR

SEE I WILL NEVER STOP BEING THE AMAZING PERSON THAT I AM

YOU DEALT ME A BLOW THAT’S HARD TO WITHSTAND

THERES US AND THERES “US”

YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN SO EMOTIONALLY ROBUST

I’M SAD FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T SEE WHAT MANDY HAD EITHER

I REMEMBER YOU SAYING “WHAT WAS SHE THINKING” HOWS IT FEEL TO BE RIGHT THERE WITH HER

Unknown

Baby the worst part of my night

Is knowing I can’t be with you in your fight

Not being able to hold you to tell you things will be ok

Feeling like you are falling astray

You have some tough decisions in front of your life

I’m sorry life handed you to sharp of a knife

I sit here alone thinking only of you

Wondering if you have the same thoughts I do

I know if the time comes when I’m the odd man out

He will never compare to me, no doubt

I’m not perfect by any means

I believe I know where your heat leans.

You made a decision today to cut our time short

That tells me what we have is an option to abort

I’m second to none on my worst day

If you decide to leave know you turned your back on the best way

If it’s wrong to hurt so badly when you’re gone

I don’t know what to do but try and be strong

My days have turned into time I wait to spend with you

You leave, send me messages leaving me with no clue

Expect that you miss me

Falling asleep next to memory of what we could be, can’t you see

That on your worst day you make me the best I can be

For you my heart stretches far beyond what I can possible believe

Those gorgeous eyes bring me to my knees

Longing for more time for me to please

Make no mistake in these times of cruelty

I will always be here for you to be who ever you need to be

Words

Words

They can lift you up

Stop your in your tracks

Make you better

Kill your tomorrow

Words

Sometimes you can’t take them back

So be careful what you say, they can never fade to black



Tonight you said you hate me

Sorry’s don’t make things better when we disagree

I know I can never fill your fathers shoes

I don’t want that job, I never had a clue.

I stand alone in the life I live

My rights and wrongs is all I can give.

Smoke dances around my lips in a hopeless serenade

I feel like I had a chance with you and our marriage parade

It’s over like so many of us before

Like the tears that fall from our cheeks bound to hit the floor

I seen this day long ago from afar

I had no idea it would hit me this hard

Even after all we have been through

To this day you show me why are days were so few

10 years is allot for normal people

Not for us who seen a lifetime at the church steeple

What breaks me are the syllables that roll off your tongue

Sorry's do no good as we hold on to that last rung

I don’t know why I hold on to these words I hear you say

You found a way to constantly leave me in dismay

You also said you don’t know who this man is who stands before you

That hurts because I’m the same man you married in that desert standing next to his crew

I don’t know why I’m so absolute

Maybe because my past has left me pollute

I hope I can forgive and forget

I will try, and will have no regret.

Old Friend part 2

Hey I know you

So whats new?

Oh really sounds like you’ve been on one hell of a ride,

Big dreams, small streams of hope slipped away from your side.

To bad, I’m glad I’ve gotten to see you again

NO worries, things have changed my friend.

Oh wait they haven’t, outside I’m smiling, inside I’m dialin in on your disgusting stare, that horrible smell I whiff when your near my air. Smells like helplessness unparallel selfishness.

To bad you see me but don’t really SEE ME, the man before you is something you’ve never seen before because I’m savage proof that a man can make his own way, even when you left me like a fucking stray – dog, I’m a straight hog for might.

Devouring obstacles you laid before me, like the most furious storm send people to flee.

Who knew in your selfishness a phoenix would rise up, and accomplish this.

Your still staring at me with those hollow eyes, only if you knew my despise it would bring our ultimate demise, but I hold on for that day my sons ask me about you, hopefully they will have no clue.

I will be able to look back at this moment when your shallow hug penetrates my deep soul and have no remorse in telling them lies of someone who was never whole.

Nice seeing we should do this again

Good bye my old friend

CRAVE

Me in my delight, my mighty fight, soft seduction, comes with repercussions. Don’t doubt my power can affect your strong hour. In the darkest night I can be your light, with the gentle stroke, invoke, my merciless fury of love, no dove can rescue you from me, and the endless glee, I leave you craving the passion I have, you better grab, what makes you safe because when I’m done I will leave you in strafe

My Muse

A pedal from the softest rose in the hashed world

Is embarrassed to be compared to your lips when they meet my mine and things start to swirl

Your touch is soothing to the point of seduction

Face so soft it makes my jaded world a sunny malfunction

You light up a room with your presence of smiles and gorgeous hair

Frequently leaving me alone thinking of ways to find another chance to see your amazing stare

I felt your heart is was so soft and full of compassion

Not a place for some like me stained with only your attraction

It’s not like I ever had a chance at denting your beliefs in monogamy

But it’s nice to think of a day not too far when it’s just you and me

In my dreams your smile brightens a planet of heartless men

In my reality your smile is an excruciating fee to pay to see you again

A reminder of what I want but don’t stand a chance

With whatever you want to do in this happy dance

I have to say no matter where life takes us on this crazy ride

You will always have a place close to me in this swelling tide

You brighten my days and darken my night

Only because you have to leave and I have to surrender my rights

Not a good place to be for someone who gets what he wants

I guess this time I have to leave you to your undecided thoughts

It’s ok because if wanting you is wrong

Lock me up for a while I can handle it, I’m strong

It always comes back to that joy you create in my struggling emotions

You make it impossible to be sad around your defining sweet potions

I appreciate you for being so selfless in my journey to where I am going

Don't mistake my words for the wrong emotion

Your moans are mine when we share those times

Your face is divine when we were done satisfying our passionate crimes

No one will be able to take away the moments we have shared

The best medicine for man who is lost in his emotional despair

I can’t find a way to end this song to you

So I guess I will leave it up to those eyes that hypnotize me waiting for that sunshine to kill that morning dew.

Night Sky

Through the days and endless summer nights

The drops of sunshine have  wiped the sweat off my cloudy brow

Making it easier for each hour that passes to see I don’t need to fight

The eclipse on my horizon brings new things leaving me just saying wow

The silver lining in my life is shadowed by emotions of true agony

Casting horrific feelings of doubt and screams of anguish in my ears

The tiara of memories hangs so close the ground representing our pageantry

The time we had shattered like a mirror on the ground looking down seeing fractured years

I’m hanging on the fringe of who I thought I was to you

Constructing a new road for me and the ones I love

Those closest to me were closest to you and now you’re thru

That amazing grace on the horizon breaking my rules to be as close only to feel a hard shove

My heart strings are frayed, damaged, searching for something familiar

Finding something different and knowing it doesn’t match

Who knew the rain would be dried with someone with two years tenure

Only to leave me alone with an itch I can’t scratch.

Sitting in a dark room wishing upon a streaking star in the night sky

Knowing it’s futile to be so childish in my unrealistic approach on my longing try. 

Chaos

My anger fuels my stupidity into actions that limit my un-satisfaction

I’ve been down this road of pain before without key to close that door

This pain is similar to that of one instance in my life I lost my nephew now losing my fight

I don’t know why this hate trickles into aspects of unfamiliarity streaming through my veins hurting our similarities

We don’t have many but the ones we do I can’t find because I’m smothered with one foot out the door.

Tears hitting the floor, smashing into our dreams aspirations, directions, reflections are lost in them when they shatter on the tile of our story.

Words are my only outlet filling blank areas of my mind as they stream through my finger tips, grabbing my hips, quivering lips, shaking through my grips our relationship is falling through my fingertips like sand I’m trying to hold it with only more proof when I look down and see our memories piling up, through caught up fighting, swinging with the might I only know for the problems I have had in my life, each night old nightmares, fight mares, scare tactics, childish antics. Manic maneuvers don’t’ work on my fight this time, I feel like slime, lying all those years sacrificing me, for you, to do what we want all this time it’s what you want. Youth was our demon, screaming in my mind, time after time, sacrifices, rolling like dice on the curb of my youth. Now I’m lost in the darkness of my decisions, our future was us 60 years from now holding hands, helping

I just punch my way through this time in our life; I don’t understand why that isn’t right. Screams of right and wrong run through my mind as sit here quietly fending my emotions time after time

Instead I run through my problems, right or wrong I still can’t sleep our turn down this song

What was us

10 years a memories sliding through my mind like marbles in a sack
They used to be organized, filed away refined remembering when you had my back

I tell you what wrong with our holy matrimony
You look past that to your own lonely story

Pain shoots through my body when you can’t respect my boundaries
I don’t know if it’s me or your own selfish quandaries

I’ve never had my heart like this
Sleepless nights are my punishment why can’t we live in bliss

Changes In our routine punish me every occurrence
Anger fills my nostrils with every breath of non reassurance

Time and space seems to be your biggest enemy
An ally to my sanity, creating pain in our tranquil serenity

My demons are rearing there head when I realize the agony of not being together
I’m satisfying there craving killing myself slowly wanting an endless forever

Punishing myself for an obtuse sense of relationship
Years of me sacrificing me to make us make you want more of me creating hardship

I don’t know who I am and I know that hurts you
It’s my demon that I can’t seem to kill now it’s killing us all the way through

I don’t know the ending to this chapter for us
Our sons will never know the happiness we had in surplus

The people closes to me knew I was starting an incorrigible journey with you
They stood beside me knowing it was my love they seen so true.

Coldness

Alone naked feeling the piercing flakes of snow shoots coldness through my skin
Melting as you touch my skin, I destroyed you as you make my armor thin

Shivers run up my arms and legs,
Anger killing your every attack and merciless wave.

The breath of every moment escaping my mouth
I’m breathing harder and harder trying to keep everything from going south

To much coldness,
I’m sticking my chest out to defeat you with boldness.

Its not working, taking shot after shot
My vision is getting blurry I don’t know wrong from right, left alone distraught

I didn’t even realize I’m on knees shaking uncontrollably
Blackness fading in between me and and reality

Remember me with all my might
A witness to the darkness of my shitty life

Remember me with my straight forward humor
Fighting through life with a heartless tumor

Remember my willingness to live through it all
All I need is a ray of sunshine get me through this wall

There you are streaking through the sky
Touching my face crawling down to my thigh

Your warmth invigorates my soul
Defeating the coldness picking me up out of that hole

I’m back, strong as ever
The power of light backing my every step from now till forever

You are the victim to my situation
Your smile assaulted my fear and gave it salvation

Thank you for being you!!!
No one else could have gotten me through...

Fresh Air

I’m suffering in this cage, I haven’t’ seen outside for days
Shame beading up slowly runs down my soul, This chaos I create put me in this hole
I’m reaching up past myself – climbing out, Its cold, dark, alone, wet, slippery, depending on my clout
I’m out
A door, hard made of my past keeping me in, It takes time to tear it into oblivion,
Sunshine pours down my face, Pale deprived of warmth and grace
My first breath of freedom crawls up my nose only to choke on the fire that arose
Flames and smoke fill the air, all this time I thought I was in despairWho know it was so jaded out there.

One Brain Theory

The one brain theory seems to be bring me to my knees.

Demise, disguise and adaptation, constantly moving.

With the hollow hot ones constantly burning my ears, bring fears

Seeds of doubt fly by some landing in that crevice by my eye, growing, showing my imperfections, reflections of lies making me look ugly.

Do you have my back?

The ring says you do, through and through, yet I see an army of the one brain theories. Arming themselves will fallacies, made up actions, fractions of the truth being told, reactions is what I want but can’t. All being fed to your self esteem, dream of one day being proud of yourself.

Outrageous ideas driven by your fears, hollow hot ones taking shots at my ego, no you go, be with them. Imagine me as this man you don't know, when did we go, when did we grow-apart, from the start?

Live with the lies of the half truths and journeys into fiction, they brought friction all the time it was someone you never thought of. Lies turn into truths, just not the ones you knew about, you have doubt but it’s not mine It’s the one brain theory

"Peace be with you brotha"

To late!

The road twists and turns, its dark, foggy and the smoke burns – my eyes, no more lies.

What the F*** are those tears for, don’t cry, no reason, keep you believin there is hope, nope – not on this dope.
Your done, don’t need no gun, the cheats have you defeat, its fueling my fire, desire to see your last breath


I know you think it was fun, all the lies made you feel special, you got what you wanted, you flaunted - what’s mine, a crime – in my eyes
They don’t see justice, just corruptness, for years those tears brought fears to me, so I did what I could to keep close, can’t you see.
Now they can’t save you, they’ve betrayed you


Here is your phone one last call, don’t stall it could save your life, this decision could make it all right. I only hear three tones, busy – looking for you all you had to do was dial me to save you.

 
P.S. Don't be a victim to Domestic Violence. No one wins.

Generations

Generations 11/5/09 12:41 AM

Our generation of victims is the byproduct of our father’s abandonment, abandonment from responsibility to do the right thing not for themselves but for the right reasons.

Our generation of instant gratification is clouded by our necessity to complain about how things are not the way we want.

Our generation of emotions stems from single mothers showing us how to care and our detachment of reality to care about what does not matter. Sons do not pay for their fathers sins they use their fathers sins as an excuse to be irresponsible.

Our generation wants friendships in our children’s relationships instead of lessons adults should be learning from the compassion our children carry. The purity of their innocence is a lesson to us all. Learn from the pure to be a brighter light to guide them to do the right thing not for themselves but for the gratification of being their hero not there friend.

Our legacy is shadowed by the stories of poverty and survival. We are ill equipped to play the political game of our elders because we are victims of our own mind. We allow the voice of rhetoric and lunacy to fill our cars with decisions we can make for ourselves but instead leave to system that has failed us. To many times in our past we were given the opportunity to make a difference for our legacy and failed. Now we leave it up to talking heads scaring us into a false reality.

Wag the dog has transformed into our perverse beliefs. Talking is our expertise, doing is our downfall. Make the right choice for the next generation get off your ass. Do what makes your mind healthy.

Our forefathers lived a life of wrong and right, we see the in them what we see in ourselves and do not know how wrong we are. The single mothers that raised us the only way they knew how do not recognize us because we are products of the night, not of the values they planted in us. Our future is filled with the vices to make us great at failure. The tools to carry us from the slums to the penthouse, and we all wait to hit the lotto to live our dream. Our dream is here, answer the door its your decisions waiting for your future.

Our dream is only big enough as our ability to swallow our pride and grow into a country of doing instead of talking. Lead by example not by statistics.

Dear Mom

 Monday, July 20, 2009

Dear Mom,

I wanted to write this to you so you could remind yourself exactly what I said and why I said it. I regret to tell you this will be the last time you see me. I have grown up to be a good father, husband and son. I’m sorry you haven’t had the experience of enjoying our families company. I have a responsibility to our children to protect them. The best way I know how is to distance myself. 

The decisions you have in your life have had a dramatic effect on my personality. I find myself being very cold & insensitive to the people around me. This is how I deal with people now because I feel like the closest person and most important person has betrayed me. You were the closest to my heart besides God and you hurt it so bad this is the only way I know how to deal with my problems. I don’t know how long you can be sad, I don’t know how shame doesn’t affect you. You have lost everything in your life and survived, make something of your opportunity the lord has given you. I have to cut our relationship off because the little amount of love I have for you is mine. 

I refuse to give you the opportunity to take that last little bit away from me. Your grandsons will always know the vague memories I hold on too from my childhood. I will sent ou pictures of them every year with a letter from them when they can write. You do not have my permission to hurt my anymore. I know life was hard for you. I’m sorry, your decisions made life hard for a lot of people. Your decisions of carelessness and chaos end with me. I hold no resentment to you and do love you. 

p.s. 

This was after a suicide attempt that she failed. One of many attempts since I was 16. I'm now 32....I still talk to her and she never received this

Boyz

To all my Brothers, here and past away.

Hello my name is Johnny whats yours

Little did I know these words would open so many doors.

Doors that never shut because we are always their for one another

All those great games that happen every summer.

How they flew past so fast I do not know

How we grew apart ohhh so slow

Miles away we are today,

Yet youre close to my heart in every way.

Behind bars or stars we know so much about each and every one

That even if we wanted we could not turn and run

Tru Boyz is what I have in them

Tru brotherhood is our only friend

We are like one another in so many ways,

I know we will be side by sed till the end of dayz.

Even if one of us leaves with a blackened heart

The rest will follow to take you out of the dark

Becuase our spirit would be hurt by the void we long

Our memories would be lost to the tune of that soldiers song.

And out we all come shoulder 2 shoulder,

Strong as ever 10 times older.

I truly don't know what I would do

If i didn't have Boyz like you.

I Will

As life turns my world upside down each day

I fall to my knees and began to pray. Asking our savior for a way to understand

The darkness in the shadows and the light of my land.
Wondering and hoping that each new day

My lord and savior has found me a way

A way to start and never stop

A way to strive till the day I drop

A way to find my only hope

A way to deal and to cope,

A way to end all my sorrow,

A way to make a better day tomorrow

A way to learn who I am

A way to make a stand

I will try and try with all my might

To make my life ohh so right

I will make today a better place

I will make my life an endless race

I will find a way to overcome

I will find a way to get out of the slum

I will find a way to live my life

I will be ME!

Low Life

Lookin back at the years

I laugh and remember the tears.

Fighting and drinking with the boys from the block,

Two news and a G following in the flock.

Not knowing a better day was waiting,

Not knowing the long way ahead as the night starts fading.

Mickeys, Newport, and Weed putting my confidence high,

Bitches on there knees with a mouth full of white lies.

My youth was along time ago feels like another life,

Almost like a movie, Indy film, Low budge, foggy – lowlife.

Friday night – fight night everything went right,

Two dudes roll up flexin steel behind the wheel Friday night – fight night.

Words are exchanged like currency at the bank,

Bows are thrown folks folding point blank.

Lights and sirens are gettin near have no fear,

We scatter like glass breakin leavin Damon lying there.

Lying on his side out like a light,

His lady scared hoping it was just the fight,

Lookin back at the years,

I laugh and remember tears.

Old now that was a different life,

Almost like a movie Indy film, low budget . foggy LOW LIFE.